Grandma Food Rules

People think I have weird food rules:

•  Breakfast food should only be eaten in the morning or morningish on weekends
• Pickles are evil and infect foods around them
• Raisins are the most deceptive of food since they try to fool you into thinking that they are chocolate chips in cookies. This leaves to extreme disappointment

Grandma is the queen of food rules.  Feeding Grandma is an adventure. She doesn't have much of an appetite. Part of the problem is that she has lost most of her sense of taste. This is probably due to the fact that she likes to drink her coffee as close to boiling as possible. You think I'm exaggerating but no. Anyway, if you have any hope of getting her to eat there are several rules.

• No onions. Apparently they saved her life when she was a child but she can't stand them now. No, I'm not sure how an onion can save a life.
• No mushrooms. "Why would anyone want to eat those things? Anyone who does must be crazy" But I like mushrooms Grandma.  “You are crazy.” Logical
• All pork must be accompanied by apple sauce.
• Oriental food will be sorted to ensure no one is trying to sneak in some onions or mushrooms. Other odd food bits (like red peppers) will be questioned to make sure you aren’t trying to make her eat something crazy. Generally Grandma is not a fan but if we do try it, it must be served with tea. She pretty much hates tea but she still wants it because that is what goes with Chinese food.
• Every time I make rice she says she has only had glorified rice.  I don’t even know what that is.
•  Mashed potatoes must have gravy.  Gravy is generally a good idea all around.
• Pizza must only have sausage or pepperoni. NOTHING ELSE. She is honestly confused by any other toppings like pineapple since that wouldn’t really be a pizza.
• Someone told her that a glass of wine is good for you.  She doesn’t and hasn’t drunk her entire life and HATES wine.  But she will choke down ¼ of a glass making horrible faces.  Grandma, you are 96 and healthy.  You got there without wine and hate wine.  Why do you insist we serve you some?
• She likes Taco Bell’s hard shell tacos.
• Every couple of days she suggests my Dad make a pannekoeken (like a pancake in an iron skillet cooked in an oven). She says that she hasn’t had them in a long time almost every day. 
•  If you go out to eat, order what you think she might like with the full knowledge that she will eat very little if any.  Don’t try not ordering her anything and giving her a portion of your meal. She will feel deprived.  
• She does like deserts but only a bite and only with the mentioned HOT coffee.  On the desert topic: there is apparently a conspiracy that all bakeries are in cahoots and use the same mass produced dough for every item.
• If she is around a buffet of deserts she will take one of everything, wrap them in napkins and put them in her pocket.  She may notice things in her pocket on the car ride home and tuck them into the seats or seat pockets.  I will find them much later.

There are many more rules but once you get them straight, she will through a curveball and suddenly hate something.  We used to be able to give her Cheerios for breakfast until she suddenly asked why we were forcing her to eat them when she doesn’t like them.